Canon vs Fanfic
by PhoenixTears625
Summary: A humorous and accurate account of the differences between the characters JKR portrayed, and the way the fandom has manipulated them. With a very flamboyant Dumbledore, confident Ron, slutty Hermione and Ginny, and Harry with rippling chest muscles.
1. Hermione

A/N: We noticed that there was a great difference between JKR's characters and how the fandom has depicted them in fanart and fanfiction. So...what was there to do about it but wright about a fanfic! We used quotes from the HP books (but added some 'commentary' aka things not in the quotations, so as to add more to the context.) If the quotes are not exactly correct...we're sorry, we tried our best. Its only the general effect you need.

Disclaimer: Do we look like J.K. Rowling? We Do? Oh. Thanks! But really...if we were JKR, would we really be writing this?

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Canon vs. Fanfic

** CHAPTER ONE**

**Hermione:**

Canon/Book  
"But why's she got to go to the library?" Ron inquired.  
"Because that's what Hermione does," Harry explained as though stating the obvious. "When in doubt, go to the library."

Fandom/Fanfic

"Hey, Ron." Hermione said seductively strutting into his Chudley Cannon-ized bedroom. She was clothed in nothing but scarlet lingerie, and a white feather boa, and proceeded to straddle his lap.

"Rita Skeeter always said you were a scarlet woman." Ron grinned.

Hermione flicked her wand at the door, shutting it with a bang.  
"And _I_ always said 'Wingardium Leviosa...'"

And so the scarlet lingerie fell to the floor,and remained there, for the rest of the night.

*Ron is interchangable with Snape, Harry, Percy, Draco, Lupin, Krum, Sirius, Voldemort, Lucius, Zabini, Lavender/Ginny/Luna, Fred, George, Charlie, and sometimes all at once.

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A/N: R&R PLEASE!!!! We live on reviews.....they = our FUEL!!!!!!!  
Random HP quote: "Do you remember me telling you that we were practicing non-verbal spells, Potter?"  
"Yes," Harry said stiffly.   
*** ;0 ***


	2. Ginny

A/N: Second chapter. R&R please! This one's Ginny.

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**Ginny: **

Book/Canon/Movie

"Mummy, have you seen my jumper?" a young tousle haired Weasley leaned over the rail of the stairs.

"Yes, Dear, its on the cat." Said Mrs. Weasley, laden with the breakfast dishes.

Fandom/Fanfic

Ginny strutted over to Harry and proceeded to slap his boo-tay. Then she leaned over and put her face in very close proximity to Harry. She brushed her lips against his, ever so slightly, leaving Harry wondering what was to come.

All at once, Ginny grabbed Harry's face and began to make out with him in a fashion that was surely not legal. The male population of the Common Room sighed in defeat, as Ginny has obviously chosen her prey.

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A/N: r&R....i eat that for breakfast... dont make me starve...or be anorexic3


	3. Harry

A/N: Ok guys, third chapter. Hope you like it................. oh, and please not that this is in no offense to anyone's stories, and that we are not speaking for the entire population of fanfic writers...thank you.

Disclaimer: Honestly, aren't you soooo tired of reading disclaimers.

**Harry:**

Book/Canon/Movie:

"I cant be a wizard. I'm Harry, just Harry." Harry stammered, looking up at Hagrid's massive form. *Note that Harry is very scrawny from growing up in a closet.*

Fandom/Fanfic:

Harry walked into the room- flexing his rippling chest muscles- with a chorus of 'ooh''s and 'aahh''s from the female population. Just then, Ginny entered and flipped her long red hair over her shoulder. She walked across the room and proceeded to slap Harry across the face with a resounding crack.

"How dare you sleep with___(blank)___!! I thought we were an item!"

"She's not been the only one." Harry flashed a winning smile and popped a steroid into his mouth.

**The blank above can be replaced with all of the female population, and most of the male population...although I've never seen a Harry/Hagrid one before...hmmmm...**

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A/N: Thanks for reading, and PLEASE review...it only takes like 3 seconds! Its a simple way of showing the writer that you took the time and enjoyed the story.


	4. Ron

**A/N**: Sorry this took so long to post. Alex was sick, and then I (Anna) went on vacation...so...anyway....here's chapter four. Thanks to everyone who reviewed.

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CHAPTER FOUR: Ron

Ron Weasley

Book/Cannon:

"Weasley is our king,

Weasley is our king

He always lets the Quaffle in  
Weasley is our king

Weasley cannot save a thing,  
He cannot block a single ring  
Thats why Slytherins all sing

Weasley is our king  
Weasley is our king  
He always lets the quaffle in  
Weasley is our king

Weasley was born in a bin  
He always lets the Quaflle in  
Weasley will make sure we win  
Weasley is our king"  
-(Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, by J.K. Rowling)

Fandom/Fanfic:

The Quaffle sped towards Ron, who was hovering between hoops in full keeper garb. Ron did not even attempt to fly toward the left goal hoop, at which the Quaffle was aimed, but instead, the Quaffle was immediately repelled by the forcefield that was his manliness. The crowd erupted in cheers, for once again, their confident keeper had saved Puddlemere United from defeat.

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**A/N**: Sorry about the length, for anyone who thinks its too short, but this wasn't meant to be a novel...just a few short sentences on each character. Thanks for reading and....REVIEW PLEASE. It makes us happy.


	5. Dumbledore

**A/N**: Hey everyone...thanks so much for all of your wonderful reviews and suggestions. :) You're all amazing!!

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CHAPTER FIVE: DUMBLEDORE

Albus Dumbledore.

Book/Cannon:

"And Ariana, after all my care and caution, lay dead upon the floor" (tears trickle down his cheeks)  
Also take not of how often JK Rowling uses the word 'serene' to describe Dumbledore.

Fanfic:

Dumbledore flounced into the Great Hall clothed in purple and orange, polka-spotted robes, with a decedent extravagant belt into which his combed beard had been neatly tucked into.  
"Good Morning, Children...the Earth says hello!" he called, exuberantly.  
Grindelwald was latched onto Dumbledore's back in a piggy-back-like fashion. However, the students took no notice of the frequent displays of love from the old men, as this was somewhat of a regular occurrence.  
Shrugging Grindelwald off, Dumbledore strutted up to a scantly clad Hermione and proclaimed that her new style of clothing was very fashionable in France, but advising her to 'let the girls out to breathe more'.

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**A/N**: Ok....hope you liked this chapter. And Review please. The more reviews, the quicker the posts!! :) Thank you all for reading..:)

AT + AD


	6. Draco

**A/N**: Hey everyone...thanks to all who reviewed! here's the next chapter for you....hehe... :P

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CHAPTER 6 : DRACO

Draco Malfoy

Book/Canon/Movie:

"Training for the ballet, Potter?" Malfoy sneered derisively as the rogue bludger attacked Harry.

"Or perhaps you can remember what your mother stank like, potter, and the Weasley's house reminds you of it-"

Fandom/Fanfic:

Draco was owning the hallways when a hot Harry* with rippling chest appeared, rounding the corner. Draco, seemingly unperturbed by this display of sexiness by the boy-who-lived sneered and pulled the crowd of seven Slytherin girls away with him, but Harry jogged up to them, flexing his muscles.

"Training for the ballet, Potter?" called Malfoy

"More like training to shag you!" Harry called back in all his sultriness. Harry grabbed Malfoy's hand and with a smirk disappeared into the nearest broom cupboard. The throng of girls sighed and 'aww'ed , some disappointed that they were not going to be able to watch this little display. And so went the virginity of the untouched sex god of Slytherin.

*Harry is interchangable with Ginny, Hermione, Ron, Pansy, Lucius, Snape, and another ferret.

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Hey...hoped you liked it....REVIEW please. it only takes 3 seconds. Thanks

random HP quote of the day:

"I've got an unbeatable wand, come and have a go if you think you're hard enough!" -Ron


	7. Snape

**A/N**: To all fans of Alan Rickman (ourselves included)...we don't know if he endorses this product. While entertaining, this chapter reflects the views of a very crackified Snaperdoodles! Have fun! R&R...or we eat you......as an appetizer

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CHAPTER 7: SEVERUS SNAPE

Severus Snape

Book/Canon/Movie:

"That is the second time you have spoken out of turn, Miss Granger, are you incapable of restraining yourself, or do you take pride in being an insufferable know-it-all?"

Fandom/Fanfic:

After a long and tiring day of teaching the most insolent of students, Snape pushed open the door to his private chambers and winked seductively at the sight before him. Hermione granger was lying in the nude in their King-sized bed, the shets only coming up to her stomach.

Flicking his wand at the door to close it, and the walls to cast a sound proofing charm, he chuckled as if on crack.

He lept, panther-like, onto the bed, growling the growl of a panther sire. he shook his hair to the side of his face, screaming "L'OREAL....I'M WORTH IT!" causing Hermione to give a soft moan.

"I Like those girls, Hermione!" Snape purred. Before Hermione could respond, Dumbledore's voice came from what sounded like under Snape's bed, and his head popped out from underneath.

"Did someone say 'Girls'?" he said in an eccentric way, eyes twinkling.

"No, Dumbledore...go back to Grindelwald." said Snape, rolling his eyes.

"Grindy!" Dumbledore trilled, his voice drifting away as he slithered back under the bed. "Oh, yes, yes, Grindelwald" Dumbledore's voice came, as if very far away in a tunnel.

"SHUT UP! And shut the tunnel next time!" Snape flicked his wand under his bed.

"Ow!" came Dumbledore's voice. "My Baby-Maker!" he screamed.

"Now, where were we?" Snape said huskily to the lustful Hermione lying under him.

And so the night passed in a whirlwind o activity for Severus Snape and his under aged wife/secret lover/girlfriend.

-----------------------NEXT MORNING 3:00 AM-------------------------

"Hey, Snape? Do you think perhaps you could spare some tighty-whities for a desperate old man? Mine seem to have acquired some raspberry jam...probably from last night with Grindy...."

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A/N: Probably our funniest yet...but many more to come, including : Lucius, Voldemort, Fred and George and many more. send us a message/review if you have an idea for a character. As always, our quotes may not be exact because they are solely from our memory...and we are to lazy to look them up....

random HP quote of the day:

"Hermione was stomping up he stairs looking disapprovingly at the package in Harry's hand."

;0


	8. Lucius

**A/N**: We've all rad those crazy Lucius-being-really-really-gay fanfics. Now we've given it a little Cinderella twist. Hope you enjoy! :P

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CHAPTER 8: LUCIUS MALFOY

Lucius Malfoy

Book/Canon/Movie:

"Avada-" *Lucius whispered angrily, standing in the long corridor outside Dumbledore's office, his wand pointed at Harry. There was a malicious gleam in his grey eyes.

Fandom/Fanfic:

Lucius stood in front of a jewel encrusted, full length, mirror (complete with speakers so as to provide 24/7 compliments) admiring the hotness that was his bod.

"Gorgeous!" the mirror proclaimed in a 57-year-old, chain smoker, hair dresser voice. Lucius smoothed down the sequins of his hot pink cocktail dress, of which Mother Malfoy had always approved of, as it showed a little too much of his model-esque legs. He strapped on his matching pink wedges.

Walking into the bathroom, Lucius stared at his hair in the mirror. He then applied 12 gallons of 'Uncle Giuseppe's maximum hold' hair gel, then gave his mirror-self an approving nod and proceeded to the Grand Staircase of Malfoy Manor.

The Band began to play as Lucius entered the filled banquet hall. He walked up to the large podium and cleared his throat in a very Umbridge like "Hem, Hem" calling silence to the room.

"Welcome to the annual Malfoy Ball. In honor of the Ball, I will preform an exotic dance!" At once, mist covered the floor as a pole rose out of the ground to a chorus of hallelujahs from an unknown source. Light shone upon the pole as Lucius began to twist around it. Out of a corner of the room an ond man screamed:

"Oh, Lucius! If only Albus was that young again!" From the back corner there came a resounding slap. "Ow, Dumbledore...I was merely commenting upon Lucius's flexibility!"

The crowd turned away, disgusted with the display (except for one- Grindelwald). In a desperate attempt to regain the crowds attention, Lucius ripped off his sequiny dress to reveal none other than the most scandalous of stripper outfits ever created by man.

Just then, the clock struck midnight. Lucius knew that his 'Uncle Giuseppe's Maximum Hold Gel' would only last him three hours. He sprung off the pole with the agility of an obese man, and galloped towards the Grand Staircase. On the way up, he tripped over Draco, who was entwined with none other than Zabini (and Harry). One of his pink matching wedges came undone, and toppled down a few steps, but Lucius couldn't let anyone see his hair when not gelled, as it looked like an internally bleeding road-kill squirrel. He sped back up to his room.

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Voldemort arose from his exploits with a very horny Bellatrix, and left her, lying fatigued on the bed, to go and fetch himself some crab-cakes and apple juice. He was striding down the Grand Staircase when he landed on his face.

"Damn it, Lucius! Not again with your frickin wedges!"

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A/N: Ok, so...this one was a bit longer tha our usual..but anyway...let us know what you thought please. We do enjoy those reviews! Thanks and have a very Harry Potter day!

random HP quote of the day:

"Ok, Ron, come here so I can do you..." -Hermione Granger, Deathly Hallows

;0


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